What do you do when one of your best friends dies doing something you both love? Paddle to the Ocean is musician Zac Crouse’s attempt to answer that question. It’s a powerful documentary about how Zac toured his last album from Ontario to Nova Scotia by sea kayak and bicycle as a way to pay tribute to his buddy – and to heal.
There were a few altruistic reasons for touring my album without using fossil fuel, but the primary motive for the trip was to help me deal with the death of my friend Corey. He died while we were paddling a class V creek in Nova Scotia, and I was diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) within a year of his death. I really miss Corey, and it was very difficult for me after he died. I decided to use this trip as a way to remember him, and – drawing on my skills as a recreation therapist – as a way to use kayaking and music in my recovery.
Long distance kayaking trips are where I find a sense of calm. Life becomes focused on basic tasks: making distance, navigating, and finding a place to sleep. These are real problems with definite consequences if I don’t get things right. This kind of life makes sense to me.
On this journey, I paddled and pedalled my 17-foot boat across four provinces, through everything from class IV rapids to historic canals. I played in tidal bores and learned how to use the world’s most powerful tides to assist in my progress. There were many challenges: finding clean drinking water or a place to camp at night, dodging huge cargo ships, and dragging my boat at the end of each day across vast intertidal mud flats.
Paddling all day was a form of meditation. With my body occupied, my brain could relax. It gave me time to think and reflect. By bringing along my banjo-ukulele, I had a creative outlet during the times when I was waiting for better winds or clear weather.
For more than half of the 82-day trip, I was alone. Once I crossed into Quebec, I was doubly isolated due to my rudimentary grasp of French. It was tough not having conversations that could go beyond simple pleasantries.
Having done most of my minimal research using Google Maps, I wasn’t expecting there to be so many dams, or for the rivers to have so little current. In addition to dragging my boat around these huge barriers, I had to power through still-water sections up to 100km long. The Saint John River was the worst example of this. Large sections of it aren’t really a river anymore – just one long skinny lake. Seeing this firsthand drove home the harsh reality that our society’s appetite for the comfort and convenience that electricity brings is more important than keeping our rivers alive.
There were definite advantages to paddling rivers. The weather was less extreme, drinking water was never far off, and catching a ride on the current (when there was one) made travel easier. But there was something special about finally reaching the ocean. It represents both tranquility and adventure for me; it’s where I go to think, to escape and to play. It’s where I took my first swimming lessons and where I learned how to paddle. The ocean is my home and I can’t imagine living away from it.
When I arrived home in Nova Scotia, I wasn’t suddenly healed from PTSD. This trip wasn’t intended to be a quick fix – it was just part of a long, slow recovery process. Paddle to the Ocean was one of several treatment approaches, including Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, Pharmacological Therapy, a strong support network of friends and family, and time.
My trip combined music and regular physical activity with long periods of isolation and contemplation, while surrounded by – and often immersed in – water. I’m not saying this is a magic pill for everyone dealing with PTSD. But it did help in my situation.
Today, I’m doing much better. I still have flashbacks, but fewer of them. Overall, my mood is more positive and I’m more relaxed. I’ve been able to return to work. But I did have to come to terms with the fact that I’m not the same person I was before Corey’s death. I can’t multi-task anymore, and I’ve had to tone down my lifestyle to a more reasonable pace of life. There’s no instant remedy for good mental health, but living a healthier, active lifestyle that involves water and music is part of that process for me
To see the full story of Zac’s expedition, you can rent a digital copy of Paddle to the Ocean. The documentary film and soundtrack were created with the help of Zac’s friends Kelsey Thompson (Locals Only, Balance), Ian Bent and Kris Pope (Acres & Acres). MEC supported this expedition.